HUCK THE SCHMUCK

by Alan Stang
December 27, 2007
NewsWithViews.com

I had thought that by now we knew everything about Mike Huckabee: the love of more and higher taxes, the betrayal of home schooling, the parole of the man who then raped and killed another woman, the attempt to bring as many illegal aliens to Arkansas as possible, et cetera and so on. Of course, I was horribly wrong.

Now come revelations that penetrate to the heart of the man, which he says is the fact that he is a preacher of Christ, except of course that his own staff now admits he was lying when he kept boasting he was the only candidate on the stage with a “theology degree.” Remember his smart aleck offer to help Ghouliani when the moderator asked the Ghoul about his spiritual beliefs in the debates?

Because I have lived so long and seen so much, I am not easy to shock. But Huckabee has done so. As you know, one of the main differences between him and the other man from Hope, Arkansas – I can’t recall his name; he is the husband of Hillaroid – is the musical instrument they play. The other man plays the sexaphone (sic); Huck plays the guitar. Indeed, Huck plays guitar in a group called Capitol Offense. One of the numbers they do is “Honky Tonk Women.” Here are some of the lyrics:

I met a gin soaked, bar-room queen in Memphis,
She tried to take me upstairs for a ride.
She had to heave me right across her shoulder
’Cause I just can’t seem to drink you off my mind.

I laid a divorcee in New York City,
I had to put up some kind of a fight.
The lady then she covered me with roses,
She blew my nose and then she blew my mind.

So, what do we have here? We have a man drinking to excess in a Memphis whore house to get a woman off his mind. We have an alcoholic whore trying to turn a trick. Because he is mourning the loss of the first woman, the whore has to drag him upstairs to a bedroom for the purpose. Presumably, she could do so only because Friar Huck had already lost those famous hundred pounds in preparation for his presidential race. No normal woman, and certainly not a gin-soaked whore, could lift a thing the size of Huckabee before.

The narrator thankfully survives the night of abandon. The next stanza finds him in New York. He is still lamenting the loss of the unnamed lady in Memphis, because in New York another lady, a divorcee, has to struggle to bring Huck the Schmuck to her bed. The lady blows his nose, which sounds disgusting and then blows his mind. I shall say no more here because the verb “blows” comes dangerously close to the area patented by the other man from Hope, the one whose name I can’t remember.

Of course, “Honky Tonk Women” is a Mick Jagger/Rolling Stones song. To do it justice, Huckabee’s Capitol Offense presumably had to practice, singing these words over and over again. Excuse me? Remember we are not talking here about some difference in doctrine. We’re not talking about different interpretations of Original Sin. We’re talking about the personal behavior of a preacher, a minister of Christ. Will Huck the Schmuck be performing “Honky Tonk Women” in the Huckabee White House?

Capitol Offense appears to have a penchant for professional hookers. Another number they do is “Devil With the Blue Dress On.” Here are some of the lyrics: “She walks real cool, catches everybody's eye/She's got such good lovin' that they can't say goodbye.” There is also the immortal:

Good golly, Miss Molly
You sure like to ball
While you're rockin' and rollin'
Can't you hear your mama call
From the early, early mornin' 'til the early, early nights
See Miss Molly rockin' at the House of Blue Lights

Notice that unlike every other minister of Jesus I have heard of, Huck the Schmuck does not lament the fact that these women are prostitutes and try to reform them. On the contrary, Capitol Offense celebrates and applauds their prostitution. Huckabee apparently will do anything to look “cool.”

Needless to say, the Prostitute National Press has not said a word about this. Instead, they have tried (unsuccessfully) to make something of the fact that Tucker Carlson booby trapped Dr. Ron Paul into accepting a donation from a man he didn’t know who runs a brothel in Nevada. By the way, Dr. No plays no instrument and can’t carry a tune.

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But now here comes something even worse. What? Worse? Yes! In 2004, at a dinner meeting of the Republican Governors Association, Huckabee mounted the rostrum to deliver the opening prayer. You would ask the only man present with a “theology degree” to do that. As the schmuck got started, the mobile phone in his pocket rang. And an “embarrassed” Governor Huckabee took the call. Guess who it was.

It was God

That’s right; God took time out from His manifold activities to call Friar Huck as he began his remarks. Either that, or Huck was doing an impression of Bob Newhart, in which case his impression was masterful; but I saw the video and can assure you that was not what he was doing. He was using the “theology degree” he now is lying about to drive home the “fact” that, despite the hymns to prostitution of Capitol Offense, he was the only governor the Creator would call.

As brilliant as he was, Friar Huck did miss one trick. He should have had God call collect. Then Huck could magnanimously have accepted the charges. On the other hand, the charges from Heaven to here are probably prohibitive, and everyone knows God has unlimited funds insured by FDIC, so He probably would pay for such a call Himself. Here are the main things the other governors – rotten, no-good sinners who therefore don’t get calls from God – heard Friar Huck say:

On the phone for me? How did he get my number? . . . . Yes, God? Yes, sir, I’m right in the middle of the president’s coming. . . . . You see, you say you want–you need an autograph. Oh, for Samson. . . . And, you know, God, this is a pretty big event. We’ve got a lot of people and I’ve only got a very short time here. Oh, you’ve got all the time in the world. I understand. . . . Yes, sir, we know you don’t take sides in the election. But, if you did, we kind of think you’d hang in there with us, lord, we really do. . . .

The transcript says there was much delighted laughter during all of this. At the end there was (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE). When I heard about it, I gasped. When I saw the video I marveled. Notice that Huckabee revoltingly trivializes God. He patronizes God, reducing Him to a Straight Man in a comedy act. This is not the God I know, not the Creator of everything that is, not the God who spoke the world into existence. Am I wrong? Am I making more of this than it deserves? I don’t think so, but please let me know.

More proof that Huck the Schmuck thinks Christianity is a joke came after the people of Arizona enacted a law (Proposition 200) that denies benefits to illegal aliens. The courts upheld Prop 200 and a couple of Republican Senators in Arkansas proposed a similar law there. The Arkansas law would have required proof of citizenship to vote.

But Huck denounced the proposal as "race-baiting and demagoguery." He said the bill “inflames those who are racist and bigots and makes them think there's a real problem. But there's not.” So, in Arkansas, Huck says illegal aliens are not a problem, even when they vote. Now, running for President, he says the reverse.

But here comes the kicker. Fellow Republican Senator Jim Holt, one of the bill’s sponsors, is also a Christian. Singling him out, Governor Schmuck said as follows: “I drink a different kind of Jesus juice.” Again we see that, in Huckabee’s lexicon, Jesus is a joke, a Straight Man in a comedy act, a dummy sitting on Huckabee’s knee. The Schmuck will do or say anything in his lust to be “cool.” But English speakers will remember that “cool” means “not so hot.”

When I saw the Huck and his Straight Man go through his act, I wondered. Are there really any Americans dumb enough to fall for this malarkey, dumb enough to give credence to a man who makes Elmer Gantry look like John the Baptist? The answer is, yes, there are millions of them. Many of those millions belong to what they call the Religious Right.

This time around, despite everything we now know, Friar Huck is their choice. So I have only one question for you. Are you out of your minds? Dr. Ron Paul exemplifies to the max everything you say you believe. Mike Huckabee makes Dr. No look like a glorified combination of Washington, Jefferson and Henry. But you have rejected Dr. Paul in favor of a blatant scumbag.

Over and over again, you have betrayed yourselves. You did it with Bush. He ridicules you as suckers in private; in public he says he is “born again.” Apparently that is all a man need say to win your devotion. Because he is a fraud, your country now is falling apart, soon to be merged out of existence with Mexico and Canada. Your freedoms are gone.

Your preachers are not preachers. They are motivational speakers, lusting for fame and the buck. They are cowards, not Christians, not the Black Regiment that led the War for Independence. If they tell you to vote for the rear end of a horse, you will flock from the meeting halls to the polling places and do so, like characters in George A. Romero’s classic, “Night of the Living Dead.” Now you are getting ready to do it again. And you will deserve everything you get when reality hits you in the face.

© 2007 - Alan Stang - All Rights Reserved

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Alan Stang was one of Mike Wallace’s original writers at Channel 13 in New York, where he wrote some of the scripts that sent Mike to CBS. Stang has been a radio talk show host himself. In Los Angeles, he went head to head nightly with Larry King, and, according to Arbitron, had almost twice as many listeners. He has been a foreign correspondent. He has written hundreds of feature magazine articles in national magazines and some fifteen books, for which he has won many awards, including a citation from the Pennsylvania House of Representatives for journalistic excellence. One of Stang’s exposés stopped a criminal attempt to seize control of New Mexico, where a gang seized a court house, held a judge hostage and killed a deputy. The scheme was close to success before Stang intervened. Another Stang exposé inspired major reforms in federal labor legislation.

His first book, It’s Very Simple: The True Story of Civil Rights, was an instant best-seller. His first novel, The Highest Virtue, set in the Russian Revolution, won smashing reviews and five stars, top rating, from the West Coast Review of Books, which gave five stars in only one per cent of its reviews.

Stang has lectured in every American state and around the world and has guested on many top shows, including CNN’s Cross Fire. Because he and his wife had the most kids in Santo Domingo, the Dominican Republic, where they lived at the time, the entire family was chosen to be actors in “Havana,” directed by Sydney Pollack and starring Robert Redford, the most expensive movie ever made (at the time). Alan Stang is the man in the ridiculous Harry Truman shirt with the pasted-down hair. He says they made him do it.

Website: AlanStang.com

E-Mail: stangfeedback@gmail.com